Pulling

When Donna can’t get anyone to go out with her on a Friday night, she ends up spending it at home with Al Gore learning about the threat of Global Warming and chatting to pizza delivery guys on the phone. Meanwhile her best mate Tanya is having kitchen sex with Karl, Louise performs oral sex on a drunken Oleg, on the night of his leaving do, who repays her by falling asleep in her mouth; and Karen bumps into Billy, her ex who tried to kill her the last time they dated (but it doesn’t count because he was on ketamine). Slowly realising that everyone’s been having a laugh except her, Donna is desperate for a night out, so when Tanya calls Karl for a date she assumes it’s an invite for her as well. So Karen, Billy, Donna, Karl and Tanya hit Manhattan’s but when Tanya tells Donna about sleeping with Karl she is gobsmacked. And hurt. That means Tanya was out as well? To try and even the score she gets really drunk and pulls a thug with an electronic tag. And to get her confidence back Louise tries to stop Oleg from leaving before she’s had another go. A love-struck Oleg sadly gets the wrong idea and tears up his ticket back to Lithuania.

Louise falls for a convicted flasher. Well, ex-flasher now. Donna sets out to impress Catherine, her friend from the early days who was West Buntingford’s fashion icon. Billy and Karen together are like Oliver Read and Lynne Perrie on a night out (possibly post-death). Karen discovers that Billy has married his Argentinian cleaner to help her stay in the country and now she’s divorcing him and taking him for every penny he’s got (well, he’s been a bad husband, what with the drink and the drugs). Karen decides that they need to pull themselves together so they burn down the woman’s house and Billy cooks a dinner for everyone to celebrate. Part of Mike’s recovery is being honest about himself and his behavioural problems and so he insists on introducing himself to everyone as a recovering sex offender, which results in him being head butted and smacked in the face by Billy. This is the last straw for Karen. And Mike. But the exciting and sexually liberating environment makes Catherine think it is a good idea to snog Donna: not for any lesbian reasons but just a desperate attempt to have actually done something interesting in her life. Donna is horrified, but secretly very proud that West Buntingford’s Catherine is now in awe of her.

Karen wakes up with a dead mouse and a live cat in her bedroom. She decides to keep the cat. But it’s bleeding from it’s arse. Ian’s mum dies and Donna is able to offer the most banal of platitudes that suddenly leads her to believe she is a natural counsellor. Karl bumps into Tanya in the supermarket and accepts an invitation to a little party at Tanya’s house – which turns out to be an intimate double date. With him as Tanya’s date. Karl is soon sucked into Tanya’s fantasy world of reading her son bedtime stories, having his own set of keys cut and eating cosy chicken suppers for two. He asks Donna to use her counselling skills to help him escape. But strangely Tanya doesn’t appreciate Donna’s advice and tells her that Karl said that Donna was genetically incapable of love. Donna is stunned. Louise is in charge of the restaurant for a week while Richard is away and proceeds to use her power to subjugate Oleg and exhibit the work of a young artist. The problem is his paintings are shit. Literally, they are actually paintings of poo. Richard hates them, as do the customers and Brownie sales take a big knock. Meanwhile Karen finds out that the cat’s got cancer and has to think of way to put it out of its misery without dipping into her beer money. Donna goes round to Karl’s and tells him that Tanya is no longer a problem. Karl is elated, but Donna is in a world of her own, a world where she is incapable of love.

The girls are celebrating Louise’s birthday and Karen absolutely swears that it will be a girl’s night out and that she will definitely not shag anyone. So she gets pissed and shags someone. Louise is devastated at Karen’s concept of friendship, and after a row that could make a spaniel’s hair stand on end, moves out. Karen is happy she’s gone; she never flipping well liked her anyway. And she’s damned if she’s gonna miss her. Spurred on by Karen’s put down that she’s never achieved anything, Louise decides to start a business, a business idea that she’s had for a long time, a really good idea; frozen ice lollies in the shape of a cock. Cocklolliez©. Donna gets her kebab stolen and reports it to the police only to be arrested for stealing the officer’s sandwich trying to prove her point. No one understands except Karl. And when she spots the kebab thief hanging around a bus stop in broad daylight, its Karl she asks to avenge her. He gets her kebab money back and they go for a celebratory drink. Fired up by the heroic adventure of it all they kiss.

Karen dates Justin: the man who won’t stop crying. About everything. She’d like to dump him but how can she do that with those big watery cow eyes? There’s nothing for it but to shag him quiet. Louise becomes addicted to stealing. Everything from milk to grouting guns. She loves it. Surely this is how she was meant to live? But when a little old man confronts her in a shop and she gets him arrested to save herself, she realises that a life of crime doesn’t really suit the sensitive. Donna finds out that Karl is going to make eighty fucking grand selling the house that she bought with him. Well she found the estate agent for him anyway. But what really knocks her for six is when he tells her he’s emigrating to Tuscany. She realises that she must stop him from moving his life forward: for his own good. After many failed attempts to get him to change his mind she persuades his mum Margaret to talk him out of going. Big mistake, as she thinks that Donna is a succubus. There’s nothing for it but to tell him that she’s willing to give their relationship another go. Problem is, he’s not.

Karen discovers she’s pregnant. Billy’s the father but she doesn’t want him to know - so Louise tells Billy. He decides this is what he really wants and cleans up his act – he gets the tramps out of his house and throws his crack-pipe away. But Karen doesn’t trust him, at least not until he proves himself. Louise has met the perfect man – one of her customers, Joe. He really likes her. She really likes him. But unless they’re flirting over a pumpkin risotto it doesn’t really work. So she spends her time not turning up for dates and hiding in cupboards. Donna is trying to shag as many men as possible to distract herself from Karl leaving her life. But when she bumps into him on a date and they end up in bed together it all seems like it’s going to work out. Right up until he leaves the next morning to be at the airport on time. Will Donna be brave enough to tell him what she’s really thinking?