Taken 3 Extended

They said it couldn't be done, but they did. This...this is the movie that does everything right. After nearly losing some of my extremities during the nail-biting conclusion of Taken 2, I thought that Neeson would have just hung it up like a prank call but no, he did it. I went into this film thinking it would betray they series, and it did... by making all of them look like a grade 10 math project in comparison. Every second of this movie is dynamite, 90% of the time literally. Let's start from the start. Liam Neeson gets a phone call that his live-in hispanic Roger [Lou Diamond Phillips] has been "taken" by New York mafioso Fat Botchelli "Extremely Large Balls" Salvatore. Cut to a diner scene where Salvatore is talking to the indefinitely-sweating 560 pound Luciano "Horrific Sleep Apnea" DiCapo about the lack of intimidation their nicknames are inspiring. You hear the opening verse of "Back in the Saddle" as a smiling Liam Neeson torpedoes headfirst through the window of the cafe firing a pump shotgun, landing directly on a mobster and killing him instantly ten minutes later. Neeson proceeds to interrogate the large one by shoving a foot directly between a fat roll and shouting directly into his ear. He is somehow holding another gun. "Back in the Saddle" only gets louder. Neeson is absorbed by a cellulite Whirlpool and presumed dead. Cut to the family grieving several days later. "Back in the Saddle" has not stopped playing, now at a volume level considered unsafe by the OHSA. Cut to black. "Taken 3" fills the screen. Epic. Since I shouldn't ruin the rest of the film for you guys, I will highlight for you a snapshot of what I thought were the movie's most flawless moments: 1. Liam Neeson manages to fight off eight or nine McDonald's employees that try to kill him after falsely identifying him as a wanted fugitive. Fairly explicit scene where someone is vicerally gored by a McFlurry. 2. Neeson unionizes a group of earnest, amiable hookers to assault a mall santa (this is never explained) 3. Larger-than-life physics-defying stunt where Neeson hops, clicks a button on his watch that stops time and repeatedly punches a man in the head. He calls him a racial slur. Both men are white. 3. Ten minutes of runtime are just an unbroken wide shot of Neeson sitting in an empty room watching Taken 2 on a smaller tv 3. 3. Neeson is about to impale a masked henchman with a forklift, only to reveal that the antagonist is an identical twin of Liam Neeson [played by Liam Neeson]! He then immediately impales him with a forklift 3. Neeson spends the last third of the movie disguising himself as a Rasta man in a boiler suit. He calls the main antagonist with this ultimatum: "Oy bad man! 'eer me now! I feena do bad tings eef yo don geeve me ma famoly back ya 'eer bloodclot!!" I have never watched a movie that was more personally impactive in my life. I came to this film with zero expectations and left with almost zero bodily fluids. I am an evolved man after seeing this.

Action movie that make you think